events today have been overshadowed by the untimely passing of the all time great mountain bike champion Mike Gears
all events will have a moments silence to honour him

and so to the events
today sees the semi finals of the welly throwing event,the current leader has complained about the various colours being used
events in the pool have been suspended for now due to an un-named athlete leaving a floating brown log in the pool:
so now to the beer drinking :  and yes i`m slightly sozzled watching them down all those glasses of beer

Tennis now: and the defending olympic champion has pulled out of the event having been diagnosed with the runs:

and so to the long jump
and yes that was a long jump from the albanian...straight out of the sand pit i`m sure thats going to lead to a sore arse in the morning
UPDATE on the monopoly we brought you yesterday  still one property left...you guessed it it`s Villa Park the players are unwilling to spend their fake money on a worthless property(this could go on for a while,players have asked for a non birmingham board to complete the game(more on that )
back to the wallpaper hanging now the finalists are complaing that the paste is sub standard....

now to the chess finals:    nothing happening  although the russian has just gone for a toilet break(exciting stuff this)

so to the kitchen tiling event and yet another disqualification the french competitor has installed a cracked tile 
Mens BMX NEXT:  and those bumps are going to cause severe cases of arse ache but we did have a winner
yep the Polish Rider (no idea how to pronounce his name,these poles need to stop using so many z`s `x`s) stormed over the line 2 minutes ahead of the rest
BUT HANG ON.....this could be yet another disqualification  they are checking for a possible fault on the winners bike

now to the quarter finals of the Draughts(or if your a yank Checkers) and yes...they have closed the doors and fitted excluders
controversy at the snakes and ladders....it appears that the board has been tampered with seems like square 100 has a snakes head on it
More On  The Monopoly(it appears the chinese player has finally cracked and bought Villa Park....well the chinese own most midlands football clubs)

i`m now going for a toilet break finding one in this stadium is like finding a villa fan with a brain

more to follow

Looks like Celtic finally signing a No1 goalie to replace Forster. Vasilis Barkas from AEK passes the medical assessment and will be a Celtic player tomorrow. Lennon also looking at a loan signing from The Hammers - Swiss striker Ajeti. And Peterborough's star striker, Ivan Toney, looks like another poss signing for £4M-£5M.

day 3 highlights(well if the bloody BBC can do it with Cricket)

the cause of the oil spill that postponed the marathon has been identified a simple case of someone leaving the valves open on a diesel truck
all being well it should be run tomorrow(oh joy)

the womens 100 metres breaststroke was won by a nipple(close race that one)
the France/Spain basketball match has now entered it 200th quarter still 0-0

the brazilians are threatening legal action over their shock defeat by the outer hebrides citing the hebrides are not an affiliated FIFA side(sour grapes if you ask me)

and a brief update on we were unable to show you earlier

the mens pole vault was halted due to a lack of poles(since when has that ever happened poles are everywhere)
we were unable to show any coverage of the semi final of the mens erection competition due to porn hub claiming total rites over the event
(bo**ocks To Them)

the beach volleyball final will be played between two really fit american tarts and a pair of really weird looking Brazilians(oh sorry i got that wrong the opponents will be spain who have both had a Brazilian)

and so as the sun sets on an exciting day here in(where the hell am i?......no idea but a nurse has just shown up) loony ward 7  i will hand you back to the studio(whoooaaaaa good drugs these)

welcome back:

todays mens marathon has been postponed due to a oil spillage on the course
the organisers commented "we had to think of the carnage that all those runners would have created
spreading oily footprints all over the new carpets in the athletes lounge"

now to the boxing:....and the german boxer has managed to assemble 30 boxes way to go Klaus
another new sport to bring you: the olympic hot dog eating event
no prizes for guessing who won it....yep a overweight yank

now to the hockey,a dull and boring game between The Outer Mongolians And The Turkmenistans was eventually won by outer Mongolia on a penalty shoot out
(Genghis Khan putting the final penalty away after threatening the goal minder from Turkmenistan with a knife,)

and so to the basketball:....and confusion between the French And Spanish as it appeared the size of the ball was bigger than the size of the hoop
so far the game is into its final quarter with the score 0-0(well i never)

and to football:the Brazilians are on the verge of elimination after an embarrassing loss to The Outer Hebrides (what actually is a HEbride answers to the studio please)....the hebrides scored a disputed penalty in the 101st minute after a lengthy VAR  check the penalty was awarded in the 65th minute,certainly took their time on that one.

and so to the womens beach volleyball (no idea who is playing but that young girl in pink has a cracking figure and a really lovely arse)

in the pool it`s the qualifying heats for the womens 100 metres breast stroke
Lane 1(seen better)
Lane 2(bloody hell huge)
Lane 3(she needs to see a surgeon not a lot there)
Lane 4 (blimey must be feeding them on something illegal)
Lane 5 (Sufficient )

that concludes todays events

tune in tomorrow for another dose of bizarre commentary

This was a friendly match that Hibs 1st team really needed even though the guys eventually lost 3-1 after taking a 0-1 lead. However, every conceded goal was a defensive mistake and that stat is a tad concerning TBH. I wanna see a big improvement in our defensive capabilities compared with last season and I hope Jack Ross analyses "who did what" and tries to resolve any probs that we don't wanna see "cropping up" v Killie on Saturday. Lastly, one question I wanna raise and that is, "Do we have enough striking capability"? Kamberi definitely on his way out but McNulty not at ER any more and IMO we are "light" in this area.

did you expect normality from me
i do not do normal
i am a floating spirit in a world of chaos
i maybe on a different planet
but guess what...like i care

anyway back to the here and now

coming up shortly
the guide to the universe
how to catch a squirrel
and how to prove alien existence

today sees the long awaited endurance test.....yes we have the semi finals of the Bird Watching Contest
followed by the qualifying for the Wallpapering Finals(more on that as it unfolds)

overnight we had a disqualification in the Wack-A-Mole contest,it appears that a certain Mr Jones took Jasper Carrotts advice literally and actually did
"Blow It`s Bloody `ead Orff"

and we are heading straight to the pool......yep its a rain filled pot-hole  no chance of anything happening there

BREAKING NEWS:
it appears that Great Britain have won a gold medal in the Build An Ikea Wardrobe In Under Two Days
Way To Go GB
WAIT BREAKING NEWS: GB have been disqualified for having a screw left over

now we take you to another new event Armchair Darts
and yes it`s a new world record for the amount of holes in one armchair

we now go to the weight lifting where the favourites are the germans
and just look at that lift...staggering  ....8 crates of Holsten Pils straight above his head

and now to the judo
that was a class flip into the cup(oh sorry i meant tiddllywinks)

one sport started earlier than the rest monopoly.....and how exciting it is
we are still waiting for the final property to be bought
(we may be here a while)

over to the pole vaulting
and.....here goes the Iranian ....and what a vault that was...straight out of the stadium.......
well you don`t see that often

and now to the athletics

the 200 metres
didn`t go well for the Syrian athlete in lane 6 after hearing the starting pistol go simply stood there with his hands in the air

Well That Was An Exciting Second Day
Do Tune In Tomorrow For More
COMING UP TOMORROW

crocodile wresting
indoor tree felling
pin the tail on the donkey
and the one we have all been waiting for:
the womens breast stroke(trust me you will not want to miss that)

well we are still waiting for the 200 metre swan run
but it appears that swans don`t actually run (thanks to the idiot that figured that one out)

now to the darts
Van Gerwin has been disqualified from the event for throwing a hedgehog at the board
the scorers were not not happy with his perfect 680 and he was told he had to finish on a double

Golf:  Lee Westwood Has Lost His Balls on the 12th hole(nowt to say about that)

Cycling......oh they have all fallen over someone should have cleared that diesel spillage up
we now take you to a new event: the underwater show jumping....and yes...as we suspected a lot of horses are refusing to take part

I AM DOING THIS COMMENTARY IN MY BEST DAVID COLEMAN 

next to the javelin have to say i have never seen a guy being impaled by one......god thats gonna hurt....but it looks like a world record for killing someone from 90 metres

and onto the synchronized idiots jumping from a board above a swimming pool
ewwww thats gonna hurt as the pool wasnt filled with water

and so to todays final event

the rowing
some concern for the afghans as their boat sank..forcing them to wash

coverage continues on BBC and this channel
do stick around

after a close finish i can now reveal the winner of the 2020 snail race
it was won by....................a snail

in a world record time of 5 months 2 days and 15 minutes
smashing the previous record by a month
We Shall Have An Interview Shortly

Next Up
The start of the 200 metres swan run
err i`m just hearing that event has been postponed it seems......yes.....they have all decided to take a knee
exciting to watch but dull to watch

And We Will Now Turn Our Attention To the world final of the wack-a-mole competition
we now go live to Mr Jones`s Back Garden

"Well Mr Jones how you feeling?..............................Mr Jones Why are you chasing me with that mallet?"

"Get The Fook Of My lawn"

back to the studio:

bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppppppppppppppppp

and our outside transmissions seem to have gone down

normal service will be restored as soon as possible
thanks for watching,in the meantime we are heading to old trafford for some cricket:

over to phil tuffnell
"phil can you give us an update on todays play?"

"Aint been any you moron it`s been pi$$ing down all day"

well it seems cricket and rain don`t mix

"Hot off the press" - arbitration goes against both footie clubs and bad news for the Jags and Hertz fans to mull over!! Even any form of compensation is doubtful and the words "force majeure" came to mind from the very beginning when Budge and Deans started whining about all the issues that were not Budge's or HMFC's fault!! Force majeure normally applies to contract obligations or insurance policies that can be declared void due to unforeseen natural disasters/crises. These clowns should have read the rules from the very beginning incl going to arbitration instead of a civil law court! I suspect they may get some form of compensation out of leniency rather than any formal obligation to do it. However, they may be forced to pay the costs of such a flawed exercise in which they just "didn't do their homework" in gleaning the facts as well as alienating many people in Scottish footie.