18-04-2020, 19:15
I write Grumpy Guides to various topics on Facebook. Most usually about my teenagers, or young adults as they like to be called. This ones more relevant to the current situation so thought you might like it.
The Grumpy Guide to Social Distancing on a dog walk
Three weeks into lockdown and the dogs can’t believe their luck. A long walk in the surrounding countryside (normally confined to the weekends) is now the ultimate highlight as well as being the government ration for exercise each and every day. Prior to Lockdown keeping 2m away from another person was somewhat of a breeze as we had the paths and fields more or less to ourselves, with only mud, the occasional rabbit and/or pheasant for company. But now it’s open season with every Tom, Dick and Harriet converging on the area and some paths akin to Oxford Street just before Christmas.
So what is the etiquette on Social Distancing when you meet someone on a path or country lane? Government guidance is fairly vague and I did even consider tweeted Mr Trump for some more informed wisdom, but then again..... Clearly from the attitude of different people I meet on my walks everybody has different views, so I think it is time for a Grumpy Guide.
1. The Social Distancing Waltz
Most encounters with people on dog walks develop into what I affectionately call the Social Distancing Waltz. You get to about 50m from a person coming towards you. You stop look at each other and smile and then both in perfect timing and harmony start to walk at an angle off the path to the side. Almost certainly this will be the same side, at which point you stop again, laugh, and then both walk back to the path in perfect synchronisation. This can go on several times as you converge ever closer until one of you realises that for the manoeuvre to be carried out successfully one of you actually has to remain on the path. So after several attempts with one off the path to the side and the other staying on said path you manage to keep, and usually exceed your regulation distance as you pass smiling and exchanging pleasantries in doing so. This approach appears to be the norm and I think it would be helpful if the government could produce clearer guidance on it, or at least the BBC introduce it as a compulsory round in the next series of Strictly Come Dancing.
2. The hide and seek approach
The second method is to wait in excess of 2m away from the path for someone to pass. Most often you will see the protagonist concerned standing some way ahead allowing plenty of room for you to walk past and still keep to the path. Occasionally however you don’t see them at all, they may be concealed by a tree, bush or fence and just as you get level you will hear a loud “Good Morning” emanating from close by. After a start and a second or two trying to compose yourself you manage to stammer a ‘Good Morning’ back and you’re on your way. Mostly that’s all fine but on one occasion the hidden social distancer did look a bit like Hannibal Lecter and really gave me the creeps. He was probably fine, just mumbling something about being a nice day for Chianti and favva beans.
3. The half a field (upset the farmer) approach
This is where the person/people coming towards you whilst still some way away decide to stride off into the middle of the field (most usually through a newly planted crop) to allow a 200m arc of room as they pass. They may even shout a distant greeting which you haven’t got a chance of hearing firstly, because they are far too far way, and secondly it’s drowned out by the farmer’s tractor speeding over to find out what the hell they are doing.
On a positive note, I might have solved how crop circles are formed.
4. The I’ll walk the other way approach
On two occasions I’ve had people on seeing me simply turn around and walk quickly in the opposite direction. This is when you really start questioning yourself. Is it because I’ve been letting myself go in lockdown, but that can’t be it, after all I did have a shower two weeks ago. Have I offended them in the past? Whilst that is very possible, they probably didn’t get close enough to recognise me anyway?
5. The no look approach
This seems the strangest one of all. Someone comes towards you and they are clearly in the zone. Their eyes are focussed on the ground or possibly straight ahead. they walk exactly 2m off the path and as they pass they don’t say anything or look at you in any way shape or form. You say 'good day', ‘hello’, ‘hi’, ‘top of the morning’, ‘beautiful weather’ and there is just nothing in return. It’s like if they are worried if they look at you or acknowledge you in anyway whatever virus you may be carrying is bound to get them. And I thought I was Grumpy?
Stay safe
The Grumpy Guide to Social Distancing on a dog walk
Three weeks into lockdown and the dogs can’t believe their luck. A long walk in the surrounding countryside (normally confined to the weekends) is now the ultimate highlight as well as being the government ration for exercise each and every day. Prior to Lockdown keeping 2m away from another person was somewhat of a breeze as we had the paths and fields more or less to ourselves, with only mud, the occasional rabbit and/or pheasant for company. But now it’s open season with every Tom, Dick and Harriet converging on the area and some paths akin to Oxford Street just before Christmas.
So what is the etiquette on Social Distancing when you meet someone on a path or country lane? Government guidance is fairly vague and I did even consider tweeted Mr Trump for some more informed wisdom, but then again..... Clearly from the attitude of different people I meet on my walks everybody has different views, so I think it is time for a Grumpy Guide.
1. The Social Distancing Waltz
Most encounters with people on dog walks develop into what I affectionately call the Social Distancing Waltz. You get to about 50m from a person coming towards you. You stop look at each other and smile and then both in perfect timing and harmony start to walk at an angle off the path to the side. Almost certainly this will be the same side, at which point you stop again, laugh, and then both walk back to the path in perfect synchronisation. This can go on several times as you converge ever closer until one of you realises that for the manoeuvre to be carried out successfully one of you actually has to remain on the path. So after several attempts with one off the path to the side and the other staying on said path you manage to keep, and usually exceed your regulation distance as you pass smiling and exchanging pleasantries in doing so. This approach appears to be the norm and I think it would be helpful if the government could produce clearer guidance on it, or at least the BBC introduce it as a compulsory round in the next series of Strictly Come Dancing.
2. The hide and seek approach
The second method is to wait in excess of 2m away from the path for someone to pass. Most often you will see the protagonist concerned standing some way ahead allowing plenty of room for you to walk past and still keep to the path. Occasionally however you don’t see them at all, they may be concealed by a tree, bush or fence and just as you get level you will hear a loud “Good Morning” emanating from close by. After a start and a second or two trying to compose yourself you manage to stammer a ‘Good Morning’ back and you’re on your way. Mostly that’s all fine but on one occasion the hidden social distancer did look a bit like Hannibal Lecter and really gave me the creeps. He was probably fine, just mumbling something about being a nice day for Chianti and favva beans.
3. The half a field (upset the farmer) approach
This is where the person/people coming towards you whilst still some way away decide to stride off into the middle of the field (most usually through a newly planted crop) to allow a 200m arc of room as they pass. They may even shout a distant greeting which you haven’t got a chance of hearing firstly, because they are far too far way, and secondly it’s drowned out by the farmer’s tractor speeding over to find out what the hell they are doing.
On a positive note, I might have solved how crop circles are formed.
4. The I’ll walk the other way approach
On two occasions I’ve had people on seeing me simply turn around and walk quickly in the opposite direction. This is when you really start questioning yourself. Is it because I’ve been letting myself go in lockdown, but that can’t be it, after all I did have a shower two weeks ago. Have I offended them in the past? Whilst that is very possible, they probably didn’t get close enough to recognise me anyway?
5. The no look approach
This seems the strangest one of all. Someone comes towards you and they are clearly in the zone. Their eyes are focussed on the ground or possibly straight ahead. they walk exactly 2m off the path and as they pass they don’t say anything or look at you in any way shape or form. You say 'good day', ‘hello’, ‘hi’, ‘top of the morning’, ‘beautiful weather’ and there is just nothing in return. It’s like if they are worried if they look at you or acknowledge you in anyway whatever virus you may be carrying is bound to get them. And I thought I was Grumpy?
Stay safe