[Arcane Astral Aeons]

At 27, Berahino is probably about halfway through his career as a useful striker, and at best, he's got three or four years before what pace he's got starts to go and the downhill slope gets even steeper.  At this point, my advice to him would be as follows (and, like my previous post, I say this very much as a fellow human being, not as an Albion fan):

1. When Stoke sell you this summer, take whatever you can get.  Even if it's Accrington Stanley.  Even if it's Vauxhall Motors.  Even if it's Tobermory Caledonian Thistle.  Your club is not your status symbol, it's your employer and your gateway to better things.

2. Delete Twitter.  Delete Facebook.  Delete every contact off your phone except your mother.  If you want friends, make them among your new teammates.  If you walk into the dressing room on day one and start bragging about your sports car, then you've f**ked up again, and another year will be gone down the drain as you wait for a new club at which to make a first impression.

3. You're only as good as your last performance.  If you turn in a stinker, then it's on you to do better next week.  Someone should really have told you this five years ago, but better late than never.

4. If demons from the past are plaguing you, then seek help.  They do have therapists in Stoke, and they've probably got them in Tobermory too.  You won't even have to sit on an NHS mental health waiting list like 99% of people in the same boat; you can afford private care.  Take it.

5. If you do the above, you might yet make a Spurs or Man Utd player at some point in what's left of your career.  But even if you don't, your name will be in the newspapers for something other than drink driving or bankruptcy, and you might be able to forge a post-football career as something other than a washed-up man-child.

Tobermory?.....was that not a Womble?