[Dingle-Dingle]

I always carry a banana in my pocket because I think it would be pretty cool if some gorgeous girl ever came up to me, winked, and said suggestively, "Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?".
Then I could reveal the banana with a flourish and say "It's a banana in my pocket" and then she'd walk away disappointed and I'll never have sex and I haven't really thought this through and I xxxx hate bananas anyway.

Fool old people into thinking they've had a growth spurt, by secretly cutting 3 inches off their walking sticks during the night.

UNSURE why crocs have holes in them? Simple,it is to allow your dignity to freely flow out

CHILDREN’S ice lollies offer refreshing temporary relief from piles if inserted gently. Just make sure you don’t return them to the freezer when you’re done with them, the kiddos may mistake it for a flake.

Help end world hunger, poverty and war by simply winning a beauty pageant

Saw two girls at the bar last night, so I approached the one and said, “Can I borrow your lighter mate?”
She said, “I don’t smoke.”
“Neither do I,” I replied, “I want to dance with your fit friend, you tubby xxxx.”

My G/F needed something to cheer her up…That’s why I surprised her with a bukkake party. Everyone came. You should’ve seen her face.

I knew that I had a drink problem when my piss began to smell of alcohol. I knew that I was an alcoholic when I discovered that it tasted like it too.

Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?

I wonder if Hitler would have been nicer to everyone if just once in a while someone had High-Fived him back?

Calling out your ex-girlfriend’s name during sex is a nice way to show your current girlfriend that you won’t forget her either after you leave her.

Beefy says he has the body of a Greek god…Sorry pal, Buddha wasn’t Greek.

Haikus are fun / But sometimes they make no sense / Refrigerator.

These bacon sandwiches are beautiful said Pooh . Aren't they Piglet : ............Piglet ? Piglet.?

CAN’T be arsed with cooking? Grab a wooden spoon, write a number on it and walk into a pub.

As the dog sat watching the orchestra, he stared at the conductor and thought…“Just throw the xxxx thing.”

For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.

Why do speed walkers look like kids who are told not to run around the pool?

Michael McIntyre mugged, now he knows how I felt when I brought tickets to see the unfunny xxxx live.

Brought the G/F a hula-hoop, it xxxx fits!

. If you see anyone crying, ask them if its because of their haircut

People with one syllable names totally ruin the Happy Birthday song

DD