[Dingle-Dingle]

Girlfriend said last night "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!" Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face.

I must be ill - I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I've taken a tern for the wurst.

. How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

You know why I am always getting into trouble? Because there’s never any danger music!

Once you’re married the only time your woman screams your name in bed is when you fart on her.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called ‘Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking’. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian…

I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it.

A big girl once came up to me and said “I think you’re fatist.” I said “No. I think you’re the fattest.”

You know, if I slouch in my chair at just the right angle, my fat rolls into a pretty impressive '3-pack'. Christ, I'm half way to sexy town.

Sorry. Your car took up two spaces,, So I tried to move it over with my key.

Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Sportsbabble. Then I remember there are people out there who actually comment on pornhub videos.

A selfie stick should be called a narcissistick.

Koalas eat 10x their body weight every day and everyone calls them adorable,,, but when I do it it's "disgusting" and "I’m a fat slob."

DD