[theo_luddite]

Kick-off 15:00 UK Time
Saturday 19/12/2020

The McGalphsmiths Stadium
With Lots of Shiny New White seats
Next to the Not So Shiny Old Blue ones
All gathering dust and pigeon poop
Under the Prima Donna League Floodlights
HD1 near the new ski slope that is yet to be started.

I normally start my nearest to Christmas thread with an old Beano or Dandy "Happy Christmas To All Our Readers" front page. Quite honestly, they are just as much spot on with the news as most of our press right now. In fact, many luminaries from the Dundee School of Journalism are still editing The Scum, The Daily Fail, The Torygraph and other high class Murdoch owned reads to this day. Instead i thought I'd go for something a bit more topical this year.



So that's all right then, allegedly. Just ask the most sued man in Britain.


On the tellybox
Not showing anywhere at the moment other than iFollow and Hornets Hive - whatever that is.

Latest news
From the files of "Alas Mel And Smooth" - former sports reporters on the Parish of Leeds Road Tribune and Herald., aka, "The Green 'un."
Also known to have worked freelance for "The Pink 'un". Tsk, there's no loyalty in Sports Journalism these days.  

Mel - Ey up Smoothy, there's some rumours going around that we've offered Bohemians two sets of track suits, a set of goal nets and and a bagful of out of date old Mitre footballs and hi-vis vests for another lad called Grant. They called it derisory. bleeding cheek. Just who do these Bohemians think they are?

I thought they were a song by Queen or some arty farty suburb of a town near Prague.
Apparently they're Irish. Anyway, I'm on the case. Glass of Bolly my friend?



Smooth - Cheers Mel, er, have a Jordan Rhodes Mince Pie.
A bit crusty these days round the edge of the box but still sweet in the middle, when you eventually get him in there.
Ummm? Grant? Government Grant? To, er, like cover furlough funds or transfer fees then?

Mel - No, you fool, Danny Grant. Now where's my A-Z of Ireland, and where the hell do they play?
Mmmm, nice little tart, Jordan wasn't bad in his day either, when he had his scoring boots on the right feet.

Smooth - Heh. Heh, heh! So, er, is he a mash up of Danny Ward and Karlan Grant then?

Mel - By the time he gets here and trains with our lot for a month, he'll keep goal like Karlan and score goals like Danny!!

Smooth - So, so, er, which one? You know, which, which, er,  Danny?
(Smirks and nearly spills his flute of Bolly as he half chokes on a mince pie)

Mel - Both!!

Smooth - No shit!!! He doesn't play like Danny Cowley had us playing then??

Mel - No, the Mini's they turn out at the old Cowley plant in Oxford play better football than he had us playing.

Smooth - They used to make Morris Marinas there. They were a right bag of .... oh, OK, you're right, they do play better football.
German football now I understand.
(Bangs index finger twice against the side of his nose in a knowing kind of stylee).
So what do we have to do to make our derisory offer more palatable to the Irish version of Queen then?
Let them play the opening gig at Football Aid at Wemberlee next season, with Elton and his mates as the backing band?

Mel - Throw in a few bags of spuds, carrots, turnips, peas, cabbage, onions, cows arse end's worth of steak, crate of Guiness, make it two, big pan on a roaring fire. (Smacks lips).
Once they've stewed over that for a couple of hours and we've thrown in a load of suet dumplings to get them to rise to our offer, we'll have them eating out of our hands.
(Rubs hands together).

Smooth - Wouldn't mind a bowl of that mi'sen to be honest. Stoopid Stu me Gran used to call it.
Will that be enough to get him then?

Mel - A few hundred thousand Irish Euro's in a brown paper bag probably wouldn't go amiss to be honest.

Smooth - Transfer fee?

Mel - Nah, a bung for his agent. That new chap down at The Baggies has told me on Zoom 'ow that all works.

Smooth - Hell that's gotta be a helluva lot cheaper than food during the January transfer window when all the bloody ports are blocked.

Mel - Exactly. But just try extracting that out of our bloody Chairman's wallet.

Smooth - Any news about Watford?

Mel - Well by now they are normally on their 3rd manager of the season.
The bloke in charge must have run over at least two possible replacements on Vicarage Road when he saw them coming in for an interview.
If he makes it to New Years Eve, Elton will present him with a Long Service Award and then burst into "Step into Christmas" with his socially distanced backing band playing from Luton and Stevenage.

Smooth - Well I quite like a quick dance round the eggnog in front of a roaring fire at Christmas, it's what Christmas is all about innit?
Except this year I'll be doing it on my own, wearing gloves an apron and a mask. You can't be, er, too, er ....

Mel - What?

Smooth - Er, well you know?

Mel - What?

Smooth - Careful. You know it makes sense. You know, like clunk click every trip like??? (smiles stupidly)



Out Injured/Suspended
I apparently fell asleep against Coventry but didn't realise for 90 minutes as the score never changed and most of the players never moved, did anyone limp off, get carried off, get a red?
If so I'll add them here later. I woke up from my mince pie induced haze in time to see Vallejo give us his best warm up of the season.
Surely he will start on Saturday? Well, start warming up before anyone else anyway.
Bacuna and Mbenza went off but neither really broke sweat .... walking off, let alone playing looking at the highlights.

Back training but not oven ready/Back in the frame
Andy Booth was allegedly seen (by Kevin Phillips according to Mel and Smooth, killing time, waiting for a train before going to the station, it's all over soshul meeja) in Sports Direct buying a new pair of boots yesterday afternoon.
Christmas present for his niece perhaps? Size 12's? She's a growing lass.
They'll fit her next season.
You can never have enough spare pairs of hiking boots around for when your current ones suddenly start to leak in this wet bloody awful weather.

Last time out
If you didn't fall asleep - you didn't see much. If you did fall asleep, you missed bugger all.
If you don't have a Season Card/iFollow subscription - don't rush to get one.
Just drink beers (or your favourite tipple that gives you your 5 a day) all Saturday afternoon and watch the scores on Sky Sprogs News/BBC Fatal Score.
The stress is less.
If you're working from home/on furlough, Saturday afternoon is probably the same as every other afternoon anyway.
At least you are getting your 5 a day and you've likely no idea what day it is anyway.




Watford on the other hand drew 1-1 at home to Brentford Nylons.
They need to get more consistent or it will be curtains for their chance of a top two place.
They could easily put it to bed if they were, but they'd also need a lot more clean sheets to get there.
All that static in 3rd isn't helping their cause.



All results


Tables
Watford are as third as they've ever been all season, we can't break through the glass ceiling that is 12th.
In spite of our best efforts not to pick up points, we're half a League but only 9 points behind them.


Form
They've got it, we haven't, Oh hang on a minute - they've been dropping surprise points recently all over the place. We do that for fun all season.



Innies and Outies
They decided, like many not to spend much (so far) despite raking in an absolute fortune. I thought Suarez was in Spain anyway?


Who's banging 'em in
Pedro and Deeney top their charts.
They sound like they should be on a Spaghetti Western wanted poster.


Local music
Well apart from Elton and Harry Potter the Musical ....
er, well, Sadfud City's fans have to go somewhere for entertainment these days, there isn't much of it down at at The Chicken Run  

Here's a few I found in an old reference book down the Library.

Ray Cooper, banger of bongos, cymbals and those little rows of tubes that sound like a door bell, for Elic Crapton and er, Elton

Name that band????

Simon le Bon - songist for some band or another that a former squeeze and ex-wife of Charlie boy used to have a thing about in an otherwise very Ordinary World


Geri Halliwell - wife of F1 chap Christian Horner, who is the head bod of some Bullish motor brummie brum, brum team.
Happen as well she's a Ginger. Fits in well with Red Bull artwork. Being a short arse she fits in well with Christian Horner too.

Sorry, I refuse - I've played you a Duran Duran track ffs, Spice Girls? C'mon, gimme a break.
How low do you want me to take my standards?
I'll tell you what if you want, if you really, really want one, YouTube your own Spice Girls track.

Oh, go one then


Sounded about as tuneful as the Spice Girls to me.  

Other than that - check the Wycombe thread for the waifs and strays from The Chalfonts next door.

They can't all lose
If a few did it would help us out a bit.


We've played 'em before
Past history suggests each side may get at least a point out of this game, one side may even get all 3. Usually one of them actually does.
I'd be careful if I was having a crafty bet on this one, anything could happen. Hell, Town might even score again for the first time in 3 games.
Wouldn't bet on that though. Oh, apparently I have. 2 goals each in a 2-2 draw. It will never happen.
We've only drawn 4 times in umpteen games against each other. Highly unlikely to be 0-0 I would say.


Next up?
Town can train all week for a change with no games until we wander down the road for the sold out Boxing Day fixture against Barnsalee.

Sold out Mel?
Well I couldn't get a ticket, so it must be sold out.
What other reason could there be?
Snoots, have you and AmChaff bought all the tickets again, living local like?

Pressers
Careless and Schoffer on Radio Local

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p091vr3c

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p091vvcg

The Watford point of view
https://www.watfordfc.com/index.php/news...-v-watford
That looks like an old photo for some reason



Happy Christmas to all our readers and pundits



Enjoy your turkey, however undercooked it is, and don't forget to take the plastic bag of giblets out.
Remember the disaster of last year?
No? Well you've probably been on the socially distanced piss at home every afternoon for the last 9 months, so no bloody wonder.
Oh, and make sure it's legs are properly socially distanced from each other.
Yes, a bit like the lass from down the street that normally has a lot of men friends round at this time of year.
Pass me another mince pie will you please? and a piece of cracking Wensleydale cheese Grommet, and a glass of Vino Tinto?
I've done working until next year so i might as well get the party started.

Sod it, make mine a bottle.



Make that Vin Rouge.

Humph. Christmas? Goodwill to all men?
As long as they aren't in our bloody Government, maybe.
Bah! Humbug!
And there's another thing, when did you last have a really good bag of humbugs eh?



Kwik Kwiz - name as many old sweets as you can remember from being a kid that you don't see any more.



Peace brothers and sisters

[Lord Snooty]

Merry Christmas, theo. A cracker of a match thread there. Love the Mel and Smooth sketch.

[theo_luddite]

There's at least one brewery in Yorkshire with a sense of humour

https://brewyork.co.uk/product/holding-back-the-tiers/

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Not the names of their brews, the prices they think Yorkshiremen will pay for their beers

[ritchiebaby]

Excellent thread, theo.

One of The Beezer's illustrators was Dudley D Watkins, who also drew Lord Snooty for The Beano - tenuous Town link.

Talisker has a red berry fruit undertone (great band), so surely must count towards my 5-a-day.

Old sweets that I have never seen for yonks are Spangles and those candy cigarettes with the red tip. I "smoked" them all my childhood and have never smoked anything since.

[SHEP_HTAFC]

Fantastic thread theo
Not so much a parody of scores but Saturday sees the brilliant tongue twister of East Fife v Forfar.
Can't believe you didn't add that to the scores for the predictions this week Snoots. Shocking.
Of course we would all have to enter East Fife 4 - 5 Forfar.......think this actually happened once.....

[jjamez]

I'm gonna struggle with the sweets thing, being mid 20s, okay I probably count as late 20s now

There was some called sour suckerz that I used to take to school, everyone used to want the red ones because those are normally the strawberry ones and the favourites. This company knew that and decided to make them the sourest sweet in the pack. I do miss them though.

Can't beat a fruit salad or the old fashioned rhubarb and custard sweets, you know red and yellow, sometimes yellow and green. Provided they have a bit of give and not solid.

I can remember some chocolates that have vanished. Cadbury marble bar for one, I used to like as a kid. My grandma used to also get a box of mingles for Christmas, don't see them much anymore, used to really like those. Final chocolate is flake moments, those disappeared years ago, little segments of flakes, in different styles, different coatings etc.

Anyways to football. Troy deeney, always does something against us, good or bad, probably due something good this time out unfortunately. Joao Pedro looks to be a good upcoming player with something about him, and don't forget sarr too. They should walk this league, they have a squad of a midtable Premier league side on paper.

[Lord Snooty]

There's at least one brewery in Yorkshire with a sense of humour

https://brewyork.co.uk/product/holding-back-the-tiers/

---

Not the names of their brews, the prices they think Yorkshiremen will pay for their beers

Magic Rock Brewery are shirt sponsors for today. What can our beer correspondent tell us about them?

[theo_luddite]

I bought a very large mixed case of 3 different IPA's from them, purely for research purposes you understand, this Christmas Snoots.
It was delivered earlier this week.

Based on the early research.

Cracking Ales Gromit



Who needs beer glasses anyway?

It's now a question of how long can I wait before putting the rest in the fridge

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jjamez is leading ritchie 4-2 at the moment
There's a VAR review going on about two of his answers

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Bad news jjamez I'm afraid,

The boys and girls at Bletchley Park Junior and Infants have found your Fruit Salads and Rhubarb and Custards were all over the Amazon and eBay websites and many others, so ruled offside. Black Jacks also still widely available so don't anyone try throwing them on as a dodgy half-time sub.

To make it worse, you really need to get out shopping more, B&M are also now selling Cadbury's Marble again. So the score now stands jjamez 3-2 ritchie.

I love milk chocolate me, so keep 'em coming.

Mars Bars and Magic Rock for lunch ..... mmmmm, keep 'em coming.

[Lord Snooty]

These were my favourites.

[Amelia Chaffinch]

I have always liked sweets and chocolate. I think there may be a link to my figure. 

There are too many for me to mention but I liked Bar Six (preceded by Seabrook crisps and accompanied by hot chocolate) after swimming with my dad on Saturdays.



Talking of wafers, I liked these:



Especially the dark chocolate one.

And these:



But I think you can still get caramac.



And these 


Anything really except fudge and Turkish delight.

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