20-07-2016, 11:03
(This post was last modified: 20-07-2016, 15:59 by Devongone.
Edit Reason: anally retentive grammar correction
)
In one of the most embarrassing episodes in Chesterfield's recent history, following a complaint from Oldham Athletic, the club has been forced to admit that Ollie Banks does not exist. The club is apparently in the process of putting together an unreserved apology to the Football League, the Football Association and all the club's loyal supporters.
Over the last two seasons the club has apparently fielded only ten players on a regular basis in a cost-cutting exercise. Goals ascribed to Banks were figments in which fans were only too happy to believe. Statistics which impressed former manager Paul Cook, like Banks 100% ball retention rate, are now becoming all too explicable. Ollie Banks never lost the ball for Chesterfield. Sky pundit and former manager Dean Saunders portrayed himself as a victim of the scam and admitted that Banks had been the least effective substitute he'd ever managed.
Oldham apparently noticed that Banks did not exist towards the end of his first Press Conference after his transfer and immediately complained, setting off a potentially disastrous train of events. At least two seasons of Division Three football are now entirely invalid and may have to be replayed alongside the current fixtures. It has not yet been decided what can be done about promotion and relegation issues without disrupting the entire programme.
Former Chesterfield captain Ian Evatt said, "I always got on with Ollie. He was a quite lad in the dressing room." But Chesterfield fans are already beginning to ask how much of what they are paying to see is a fiction. There is no doubt that FC United Of Manchester, Banks former club, will also come under investigation.
In an almost equally surprising announcement the club has revealed that the formerly fictional Liam Graham has been re-classified as real, and that apparent Chief Executive Chris Turner is on "gardening leave" as the only actual evidence of him at the club is an XXL jacket hanging on the back of his chair. The Ched Evans question is still to be resolved. The latest club position is that it did sign him and that he was not air-brushed into pictures in Hungary by the Daily Mail, but Grimsby fans have already been alerted to the fact that their apparent former midfielder Nolan's existence is already coming into question.
These are disturbing times for football and would be for Chesterfield FC if only it could guarantee it existed. A commission of enquiry headed by David Icke is a popular solution on social media.
Over the last two seasons the club has apparently fielded only ten players on a regular basis in a cost-cutting exercise. Goals ascribed to Banks were figments in which fans were only too happy to believe. Statistics which impressed former manager Paul Cook, like Banks 100% ball retention rate, are now becoming all too explicable. Ollie Banks never lost the ball for Chesterfield. Sky pundit and former manager Dean Saunders portrayed himself as a victim of the scam and admitted that Banks had been the least effective substitute he'd ever managed.
Oldham apparently noticed that Banks did not exist towards the end of his first Press Conference after his transfer and immediately complained, setting off a potentially disastrous train of events. At least two seasons of Division Three football are now entirely invalid and may have to be replayed alongside the current fixtures. It has not yet been decided what can be done about promotion and relegation issues without disrupting the entire programme.
Former Chesterfield captain Ian Evatt said, "I always got on with Ollie. He was a quite lad in the dressing room." But Chesterfield fans are already beginning to ask how much of what they are paying to see is a fiction. There is no doubt that FC United Of Manchester, Banks former club, will also come under investigation.
In an almost equally surprising announcement the club has revealed that the formerly fictional Liam Graham has been re-classified as real, and that apparent Chief Executive Chris Turner is on "gardening leave" as the only actual evidence of him at the club is an XXL jacket hanging on the back of his chair. The Ched Evans question is still to be resolved. The latest club position is that it did sign him and that he was not air-brushed into pictures in Hungary by the Daily Mail, but Grimsby fans have already been alerted to the fact that their apparent former midfielder Nolan's existence is already coming into question.
These are disturbing times for football and would be for Chesterfield FC if only it could guarantee it existed. A commission of enquiry headed by David Icke is a popular solution on social media.
