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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 23-01-2016
Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.
DD: That's because you've got your hand on my watch!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 24-01-2016
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's p*nises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 24-01-2016
An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday.
He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.
After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes.
He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.
She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".
The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest rack I've ever seen."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 24-01-2016
An Irishman trying to learn golf and having a terrible time of it. "I'd give just about anything to get this right!" he says aloud.
Straight on the Devil appears and says "Anything?"
"Well, short of selling my soul, yes."
"How about giving up sex for the rest of your life?"
"Done and done!" He finishes the game in rare good form and rumor of his deal spreads thru the clubhouse. One of the members, a reporter, sees a story here and asks him, "Sir, is it true you made a deal with the Devil to become a great golfer?"
"True, enough."
"And you gave up sex as your part of the bargain?"
"True again!"
"And may I have your name, sir?"
"Certainly. Father Mike O'Ryan."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-01-2016
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the headmaster's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till lunch, she'd come and pick me up from school."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-01-2016
A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.
Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.
"Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink.
They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night.
The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.
The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replied....You just happened to catch my eye!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-01-2016
Just been to buy some condom`s. The assistant said "Do you need a Bag Sir?"
I said "No it`s fine...... She`s not that ugly".
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-01-2016
Besides my day job, I`m also a pretty decent bartender.
Except I`m my only customer. I also don`t get paid and I work from home.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-01-2016
I used to smoke pot and go to class.
Sneak in 10 minutes late with a bullshit excuse.
Slink down low at my desk, and pray to God nobody asked me any questions.
I was the best Teacher ever.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 26-01-2016
Jenny was explaining to her husband how much fun they'd had at the beach during her bridge club annual outing. "But," she told him, "it didn't end all that great for me."
"Why, what happened?" he asked.
"I went out to take a swim in the rough water but I didn't go out far because the waves were very bad. Then I suddenly noticed that all the turbulence had caused the lower half of my bathing suit to be snatched off. I looked and looked for it but it was gone, gone, gone!"
"For goodness sakes, sweetie, what did you do?"
"Do? Why I did what any respectable female would do. I covered my face and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach house as fast as I could."
DD