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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 24-09-2015
The G/F is wearing one of those skirts where you can just see the edge of her bum poking out.
I`d probably find it really sexy.......... If the skirt wasn`t knee length.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 24-09-2015
Two gas company servicemen, a training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman watched through her kitchen window as the two men checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck -- just to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from the last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. Naturally, they stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figure I'd better run too!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 24-09-2015
My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the Chemists and gets some Nair" hair remover. At the register the Pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The Pharmacist says, "Well if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The Pharmacist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 24-09-2015
Some time ago, there was this artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.
As usual, his model reported and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.
He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."
He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps. "Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 24-09-2015
Beefy went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her birthday, and he wanted to get something special.
At the shop he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing "Happy Birthday."
Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped.
Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it.
When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to "The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used to Be!"...........
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-09-2015
If easily offended stop here.
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Do you smoke.?
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Want to continue??
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DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-09-2015
After the Volkswagen fiasco, motoring organisations all over the world are demanding an investigation into software installed in BMW that prevents the indicators working.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-09-2015
Sam died. His Will provided £30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but £30,000?"
Helen answered, "The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to the church.
The wake, food and drinks were another £500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "£22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-09-2015
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's £1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's £1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20p per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-09-2015
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."
"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"
"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!" Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his Trip."Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to Visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his Dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner."
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"
"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish."
"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, And that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!
Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.
The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special Recipe!"
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile slowly crept across his face as he said,
"You f*ckers are my kind of people!"
DD
