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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 18-07-2015
Some people remind me of old TV Sets...........
You have to hit them a couple of times before they get the picture.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 18-07-2015
A bloke stopped at a rural petrol station, filled his tank, and took a break by his car while drinking a cola.
As he relaxed, he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole.
The men worked right past the man and continued on down the road.
Overcome by curiosity, the fellow headed in their direction. "Hey there," he said. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"We work for the county council," one of them said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. What's up with that?" the man asked.
"Well," the worker replied, "normally there's three of us - me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back, but Rodney's out sick."
"So what does the work you're doing accomplish?" asked the man, not quite believing what he was seeing.
"Well," Mike said. "Just because Rodney's out sick, that don't mean we can't work, right?"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 18-07-2015
Beefy realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.
"How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.
"That depends," he said. "They run from £2.00 to £2,000."
"Let's see the £2.00 model," said Beefy.
The salesperson put the device around Beefy's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" asked Beefy.
"For £2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 19-07-2015
Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test.
The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," came the reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man,
"Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 22-07-2015
I love it Wet, Juicy and a nice Red /Pink colour.
Sometimes it gets the hands sticky, but I don`t mind at all.............
Watermelon`s amazing. DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 22-07-2015
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.
Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snigger...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 22-07-2015
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man.
"How did you know?"
"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."
The man below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 23-07-2015
Beefy and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college.
As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard.
Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns.
Being pleased with his new facial adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.
On the back of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"
Shortly after, the son received this terse note:
"You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 23-07-2015
My G/F came in starving today so I made her a great big cheese and ham salad sandwich.
"Don't eat it just yet, just hold the plate" I said.
Five minutes later I took it off her and threw it in the bin.
"What the xxxx?!" she snarled.
"Remember this feeling," I said. "Next time you come to bed all sexy, in a nightie, smelling gorgeous and ask me just to fcukin’ hold you.”
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 23-07-2015
I saw a girl texting and driving earlier today and it really hacked me off.
So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
DD
