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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 09-07-2015
Three kids at school boasting how fast their dads were,
Fust un my dad con do a fower minute mile,
Second un my dads that fast when he goss joggin we an to goo in the car to keep up with im.
Third un my dads the fastest ever, works for the council, finishes work at fower a clock an 'es in our house afore half past two.
DD With thanks.
(08-07-2015, 15:57)aries22 Wrote:Correct. DD(04-07-2015, 20:06)Dingle-Dingle Wrote: ,Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.I don't get that, unless you mean the guy's simply shit himself?
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man..
They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was Wind - but I was wrong, too!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 09-07-2015
"HIT & RUN ".
Please repost...
Last night I was involved in a hit & run.
I had just got into the car, and entered the flow of traffic, I had only been driving a few seconds, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw this car heading for me, it all happened so quickly, as the car headed for me, I wrenched the steering wheel to the left to avoid a collision, to late the car rammed into me, sending the car careering into two other cars, then the car sped off.
I climbed out the car, amazed that myself and the other drivers seemed unscathed.
Please keep your eyes open for a two seater car, red in colour, with a bar attached to the back end..... I hate BUMPER CARS......
DD With Thanks.
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 09-07-2015
Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
His funeral service will be held on Saturday..
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 10-07-2015
I was admiring a painting at my pensioner neighbour's house, when she said 'You can have it if you rub my fanny & grab my tits'.
Obviously I did, it was Monet for old grope.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 10-07-2015
A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her daughters bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?", asked the Mum.
"Mum I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband."
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?", he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mum. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."
The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game.
"For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing?
I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 11-07-2015
I went for a job with Forestry Commission. Bloke said " What kind of tree's are those?"
I replied " Oak Ash Elm Cedar " .."
"Ok which is the front and rear of a tree ? "..
I said, "That`s the front" ..
"Good how do you know? ..
and I replied "Somebody's had a shit round the back".
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 11-07-2015
Some bloke walked up to the counter today and said "Burger and fries please".
"Certainly sir" I replied, "Are you eating in or taking out"?
"F&^% O££ You B*&^%$£," He snapped before walking off with his food.
I love working in the Prison canteen.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 12-07-2015
Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?
The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.
The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims,"NO WAY! I almost got caught yesterday!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 12-07-2015
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your Arse and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.
My public service is done for the day..
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 12-07-2015
It`s been proven that women can be satisfied by 3 and a half inches.
It doesn`t matter if it`s Visa or MasterCard.
DD