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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 26-06-2015
One day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.
God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.
So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.
The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.
But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.
God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"
The blonde said "Hahaha I just got the first one!!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 27-06-2015
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some really deep thinking on my part and on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
'Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts’
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is definitely more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, certain women are very often heard to say, "It might be nice to have another baby"
On the other hand, you never ever hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would really love to have another kick in the nuts"
I rest my case.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 28-06-2015
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, “Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?”
Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church; so,I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn in Hell, right?”
Murphy shook his head and said, “No, Father, after you talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”
DD
To be sure.
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 28-06-2015
Had my first attempt at cooking with wine today. What a waste of time. After 2 bottles, I could not remember what I wanted in the kitchen. DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 28-06-2015
Every woman want`s to be swept off their feet.....
It`s when you put them in the boot of your car they begin to panic.. DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 29-06-2015
I don`t mind going to work...........
But that 8 hour wait to go home is just Bullshit.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - SomersetBaggie - 29-06-2015
I saw a 20ft parrot the other day. You could have knocked me down with a feather!
The other day I sat on a hair dryer. That put the wind up me!
Batman walked up to me, smashed a vase over my head and said T'pow! I said dont you mean
Kapow? He said "no, I've got china in my hand"
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 29-06-2015
If you ever need nothing .......... Remember I`m here for you. DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 29-06-2015
It`s funny how things change with time.......
I used to hate taking naps and being spanked..........
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 30-06-2015
Just met Batman in the pub and he hit me over the head with a vase and shouted "T`pau".
I said "Surely you mean Ka-Pow"??
He said " No .... Iv`e China in my hand".
DD
