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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 21-06-2015
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad.
The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says "Oh just a beer".
The bartender asked the man "What’s wrong, why are you so down today?".
The man said "My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she wouldn’t talk to me for a month".
The bartender said "So what’s wrong with that"?
The man said "Well the month is up tonight"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - BaggieMan - 22-06-2015
Government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants travelled to Britain so that they could see their own doctor.
Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of Humus and Taramasalata.
It's in a double dip recession.
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient.
63 Immigrants died in Bradford.
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed..
The police are blaming AL IKEA .
Jonathan Ross [he with the lisp] has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
Police stop a Cypriot in his transit van on the motorway.
Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?"
The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that.......3 of you have got to get out!"
Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them..
"B******* to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said,
"Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
A man has been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper: to be
honest he only intended to rough him up a bit.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate.
When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were The Hovis Witnesses.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ..
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots.
Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both are in hospital. One's in a korma the other's got a dodgy tikka!
In the first few days of the Olympics, Eastern Europeans took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
Sailing results are in: USA took gold, GB took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making Land Mines that look like prayer mats!
It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, “Bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?”
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 23-06-2015
Aston Villa announce new stadium build design. Note the retractable roof............
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 24-06-2015
Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting .
"Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-06-2015
She whispered "will it hurt me?"
"Of course not" answered he,
"It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me."
She said "I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore."
It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been a size.
"Calm yourself" he whispered
"His face filled with a grin
"Try and open wider
So I can get it in."
"It's coming now" he whispered
"I know" she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said "I am glad I'm having this."
And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.
She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said "I'm glad I came now,
You made it worth my while."
Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find,
Is not what you imagined
It's just your dirty mind!!..
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-06-2015
I got my G/F a cemetery plot for her birthday 2014.
It came with a coffin, tomb stone, the works.
This birthday came by and I got her nothing.
When the G/F asks, "Why didn't you get me a gift?"
I said,
"You haven't used the one I got you last year.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-06-2015
The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart
A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them...
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
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Why are you scrolling down?
It's your turn to say something.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-06-2015
There is a definitive distinction between Guts and Balls.
We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically, speaking there is no difference in the prognosis: Both result in serious injury..
DD
DOH!
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 26-06-2015
I never called you stupid.......!
But when I asked you how you spelled Mississippi, and you asked if I was talking about the river or the State, It just sort of caught me off guard........
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 26-06-2015
A kindergarten teacher handed out a colouring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.
The teacher told her class to colour the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, coloured the duck in a bright fire engine red.
After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?"
Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."
DD
