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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - betterthanbaird - 10-05-2015
Jerome Sinclair formerly of our academy and in the year above me at my school has come on for Liverpool.
RE: The Off Topic Thread - talkSAFT - 11-05-2015
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
Lord Sandwich to John Wilkes: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of the pox."
"That depends, Sir," said Wilkes, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." Andrew Lang
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 14-05-2015
An elderly Beefy walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Beefy: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a hotel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Beefy: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Beefy: 'I'm CofE.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Beefy: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - silverbaggie - 14-05-2015
Following on from Talksaft's selection of witty historic 'put downs'.
It's well documented that Lady Astor and Winston Churchill did not get on.
Lady Astor. " You Mr Churchill are drunk"
Churchill :- " And you Lady Astor are ugly. In the morning I shall be sober where as you will still be ugly"
ONE MORE
Lady Astor:- "If you were my husband Mr Churchill I would poison you."
Churchill:- " And if I were your husband, I would drink it".
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 17-05-2015
What's the difference between your dog barking at the back door and your G/F ringing the bell at the front door.?
When you let the dog in, it shuts up. DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 18-05-2015
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 21-05-2015
Was in a very posh Restaurant last week and had a fantastic meal but I couldn`t eat it all so I asked the waiter for a "Doggy bag".
He said, "Why sir, has your dog just had a shit in here?"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 21-05-2015
To the bloke who keeps letting his dog shit on my lawn and then absently-minded forgets to pick up the turds.
Don`t panic. I know you live at No28, and I`ll pop them through your letterbox. Probably late at night and possibly on fire.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 22-05-2015
Has anyone got the address for the lady from Gogglebox who has OCD about cleaning.?
I have a weeks wages waiting for her.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 23-05-2015
And my G/F said I would never find it...............
DD