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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 14-02-2023
In the pub last night and my mate Dave said he was looking for a date for Valentines day.
The G/F piped up and said "February 14th"
DD#No1
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 14-02-2023
Why We Love Children .......
1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later.......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'
7.. A little boy was doing his maths homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my maths homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'
8. One day the first year teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer.. She read, '... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'
10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'
DD#No1
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 15-02-2023
Had a datelast night, I really enjoyed it.
Tonight I`m going to try a fig.
Dd#No1
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 20-02-2023
Was talking in the pub last night and I said to my mate Dave "My Visa was declined in the sweater store today".
He asked "What did you do"?
I replied "I asked them to try my cardigan".
DD#No1
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 22-02-2023
I`ve found that I have been happier since I switched from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My Doctor explained it`s the vitamin C and natural sugars.
I think it`s the Vodka.
DD#No1
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 27-02-2023
After years of trying I have finally managed to weigh a rainbow.
It`s pretty light.
DD#No1
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 06-03-2023
Had words with the G/F in the pub last night. She screamed "Why do you keep pushing all my buttons"?
I said "I`m trying to find mute".
DD#No1
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 08-03-2023
During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my G/F seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my G/F was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my G/F returned, apologizing for taking so long.
She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not.
At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"
DD#No1
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 08-03-2023
Anybody know what time International Women`s Day finishes?
I`m starving.
DD#No1
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 11-03-2023
I have heard that WBAfc are supporting Gary Lineker and will not appear on MOTD this saturday.
DD#No1
