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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 27-12-2020
An West Brom fan, a Liverpool fan and a Manchester United fan were all in Saudi Arabia drinking a smuggled crate of booze.
All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.
For their punishment the Saudi Arabia Sheik decided that the punishment should be 20 lashes with a whip.>
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Manchester United fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it.
The Manchester United fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.
The Liverpool fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The West Brom fan was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of England, your town has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the West Brom fan replied.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked.
"Tie that Liverpool fan to my back..."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 27-12-2020
I was standing by a fruit and vegetable stand when a Scouser walked up to me.
She said, "Do you like avocado?"
I said, "No, sorry honey. I don't drive."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 27-12-2020
Some people think that Facebook is full of subliminal advertising.
That's crazy.
But not as crazy as the low, low prices found at Dave's Carpets, High Street, Wolverhampton.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 30-12-2020
One morning when Fat Sam woke up, he walked outside and realized he wasn't in Kansas anymore.
Just then, a good witch appeared. "Welcome to the land of Oz," she said. "If you want to return home, you must follow the yellow-brick road to the Emerald City and speak directly to the Wizard of Oz himself." And so, Fat Sam set off down the yellow-brick road.
Fat Sam walked through a farm and met a Sawyer. "Where are you off to?" asked the Sawyer.
"I'm off to see the Wizard to see if he can take me back to Kansas," said Fat Sam
"Do you think he can give me a brain?" asked the Sawyer.
"I suppose," replied Fat Sam. And so, Fat Sam and the Sawyer set off down the yellow-brick road.
Fat Sam and the Sawyer walked through a forest and met a man made of Gravy. "Where are you off to?" asked the Gravy man.
"I'm off to see the Wizard to see if he can take me back to Kansas," said Fat Sam.
"And to see if he can give me a brain," added the Sawyer.
"Do you think he can give me a heart?" asked the Gravy man.
"I suppose," replied Fat Sam. And so, Fat Sam, the Sawyer, and the Gravy man set off down the yellow-brick road.
Fat Sam, the Sawyer, and the Gravy man walked through a jungle and met a Phillip. "Where are you off to?" asked the Phillip.
"I'm off to see the Wizard to see if he can take me back to Kansas," said Fat Sam.
"And to see if he can give me a brain," added the Sawyer.
"And to see if he can give me a heart," added the Gravy man.
"Do you think he can give me courage?" asked the Phillip.
"I suppose," replied Fat Sam. And so, Fat Sam, the Sawyer, the Gravy man, and the Phillip set off down the yellow-brick road.
Finally, Fat Sam, the Sawyer, the Gravy man, and the Phillip arrived at the Emerald City and met the Wizard. "What brings you here?" asked the Wizard.
"I came here to see if you can take me back to Kansas," said Fat Sam.
"And to see if you can give me a brain," added the Sawyer.
"And to see if you can give me a heart," added the Gravy man.
"And to see if you can give me courage," added the Phillip.
The Wizard transported them all to the Midlands. "Hey!" said Fat Sam. "I wanted to go back to Kansas! Why here. What about the other three?"
The Wizard turned to the Sawyer, the Gravy man, and the Phillip. "This is the West Bromwich Albion, where you don't need a brain, a heart, or courage," he said.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 30-12-2020
I went to the optician`s for my eye test. The Optician asked "What can you see"?
I said, "I can see empty airports, empty football grounds, closed theater`s, cinema`s, closed pubs".
"That`s perfect" said the Optician, "You have 20/20 vision......
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 01-01-2021
The G/F asked me what would stop the stairs from creaking. Apparently weight watchers was the wrong answer. Just waiting on the ambulance to arrive.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 01-01-2021
You think things are bad now......
In 20 years the country is going to be run by kids who were homeschooled by alcoholics.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 02-01-2021
My New Year’s resolution is to procrastinate. I’ll start tomorrow.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 02-01-2021
A young lady was driving her car in a snowstorm for the very first time when she became lost. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plough to come along and just follow it."
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plough came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plough for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plough.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Asda car park, do you want to follow me over to Tesco's now?
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 02-01-2021
I was doing a job on my motorbike and i said to the G/F "Can you pass me a screwdriver please".
She replied "Flat head, phillips, torx or vodka"?
That`s when I knew she was the one for me.
DD