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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 24-02-2015
I met the Queen last week. This was our conversation.
DD: 'If I ask you a question ma'am do you promise to tell the truth?'
Queen: 'I'll try...'
DD: 'Do you like football?'
Queen: (pauses) 'No, Not really'.
DD: 'Good, can I have your tickets for the FA cup final?'
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Bournemouth Baggie - 24-02-2015
Signed petition. Going through a similar process albeit for a different ailment for my wife. She has to go through any number of drugs with varying side-effects including high blood pressure, lowering of immune system, intolerance to foods / liquids and inability to risk any exposure to sunshine. The preferred remedy, with none of these side-effects is only available in certain parts of the country. Just nonsense. Costs to local authority of the "process" many times more the cost of being put on the required drug on day one.
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-02-2015
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table.”
The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked in”.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-02-2015
I saw Nicola Sturgeon sitting alone in a bar, so I thought I'd try my luck.
"Fancy nipping into the toilets for a quick xxxx?" I asked her.
"No, get lost," she said.
"Come on. you know you want to," I persisted, placing my hand on her leg.
"Look, no means no," she shouted, slapping my hand away.
"Fair enough," I said, standing up. "You just remember that."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-02-2015
Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister’s chauffeur driven car.
Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road.
They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving."
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
" You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, ”I can’t afford to be blamed for anything.”
The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.
" My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola.
The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap - up meal and the daughter made love to me."
" What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola.
" I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 26-02-2015
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
Answer:
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - BBB - 26-02-2015
(24-02-2015, 15:48)Bournemouth Baggie Wrote: Signed petition. Going through a similar process albeit for a different ailment for my wife. She has to go through any number of drugs with varying side-effects including high blood pressure, lowering of immune system, intolerance to foods / liquids and inability to risk any exposure to sunshine. The preferred remedy, with none of these side-effects is only available in certain parts of the country. Just nonsense. Costs to local authority of the "process" many times more the cost of being put on the required drug on day one.
If you are being serious, i wish you and your wife much luck, and for her to feel better soon.
BBB
RE: The Off Topic Thread - bomberbrown1968 - 26-02-2015
(26-02-2015, 21:32)BBB Wrote:(24-02-2015, 15:48)Bournemouth Baggie Wrote: Signed petition. Going through a similar process albeit for a different ailment for my wife. She has to go through any number of drugs with varying side-effects including high blood pressure, lowering of immune system, intolerance to foods / liquids and inability to risk any exposure to sunshine. The preferred remedy, with none of these side-effects is only available in certain parts of the country. Just nonsense. Costs to local authority of the "process" many times more the cost of being put on the required drug on day one.
If you are being serious, i wish you and your wife much luck, and for her to feel better soon.
BBB
WTF BBB
How can anybody not be serious on a subject like that - words fail me sometimes
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 27-02-2015
,Last night my G/F and her lady friend went to see the new movie "50 Shades of Grey".
I watched some TV and then went to bed around 11Pm.
I awakened from a light sleep to see my G/F standing there with a leather strap in one hand and a chain in the other. I thought "this looks interesting!"
Then she said to me "here, you forgot to walk the dogs!!. DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 27-02-2015
Sad news today so here is my tribute.
When I was in America years ago I walked into a pub and there he was. I cautiously approached and said....
"It`s... It`s... It is Spock innit"?
He replied. " I am NOT Spock. I am Leonard Nimoy. A serious ACTOR.
To be or not to.............. beam me up Scotty"
DD