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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 09-02-2018
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for .£20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly £1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over £2million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over £3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, ‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my xxxx business!’
That’s when she hit him and walked away.
You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 10-02-2018
Over breakfast one morning, Mrs Beef said to Beefy, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when Mrs Beef opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favourite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. She couldn't wait for her Beefy to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Pancake Day in my life!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Beefy 1965 - 11-02-2018
![[Image: DVtVK0uW4AE9LGI.jpg:large]](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DVtVK0uW4AE9LGI.jpg:large)
RE: The Off Topic Thread - silverbaggie - 12-02-2018
Facts conveniently forgotten by those in Europe Beefy.
However, I doubt you would get Jean-Claude Drunker away from the bar!!
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 12-02-2018
Beefy walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to Beefy that they don’t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, Beefy assures him that he has been buying the stuff from this place on a regular basis, and would like some more.
“I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”
“But I always get it here,” says Beefy.
“Do you have an old box it comes in?”
“Yes!” says Beefy, “I will go home and get it.”
Beefy returns with the box and hands it to the pharmacist. He looks at it and says to him, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”
The annoyed Beefy snatches the box back and reads out loud from the box: “To apply, push up bottom."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 13-02-2018
London City airport has been closed all day following the discovery of a WW2 bomb.
I have been asked why a bomb in London would be defused by a Royal Navy Bomb Disposal Team rather than Army?
For the benefit of my civilian friends, all 3 services have a Bomb Disposal capability.
Who deals with the device depends on where the bomb is found. The Royal Navy deal with anything below the high water mark, the Army deal with anything above the high water mark and the RAF deal with bath bombs and fizzy pop unless there is a danger of spiders when they call in a service with more seniority... such as the Scouts.....
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 14-02-2018
My G/F`s dog died tonight. I said "Don`t worry about it, I`ll buy you another one for Valentines day".
She said "Why would I want 2 dead dogs"?
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 15-02-2018
My G/F just called me lazy and said I'd better have something special planned for Valentine's Day.
I said, "Well, I was thinking of taking the Christmas decorations down."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 18-02-2018
I`m now dating a blind girl. It was hard work getting her into bed though.
It took me six months to perfect her husbands voice.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 18-02-2018
"What is your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the new year.
"He's a magician," said the small boy...."How interesting! What's his favourite trick?"
"Sawing people in half."......
"Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"
"Yes. One half-brother and two half-sisters."..
DD