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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-10-2014
The other night, my G/F asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-10-2014
A Dingle walks into a bar, smiles at the landlord and orders a glass of wine. The Dingle looks about and sees a camel sitting at the bar as well. The Dingle asks the landlord, “What is that dirty camel doing in here?”
The Landlord pulls a cricket bat out from behind the bar hits the camel over the head and the camel gives the landlord oral pleasure.
The Landlord looks at the Dingle and says "You want a go?"
To which the Dingle replies: "Yes, but there is no need to hit me over the head."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-10-2014
My G/F packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-10-2014
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-10-2014
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the G/F look like she's moving during sex.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-10-2014
I was driving my car down the motorway the other day when this hidiously screeching noise started. I turned on the Radio as loud as i could to drown it out but it got louder and louder. I thought, "Shit, hope i make it to the next Services". I just about made it before my mind snapped, pulled over onto the Station, opened the door and shoved her out and drove off. Ahh, bliss. Silence is golden!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 26-10-2014
Just imagine how big an owls eyes would grow to if you stuck your finger up it´s arse.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 26-10-2014
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief rides up and says, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger !"
"In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But according to Indian law I will grant you three reqests before I kill you.
What is your first request ???'
The Lone Ranger responds in pidgin, "I speak to horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in 2 days. What is your second request ?"
The Lone Ranger again says, "I speak to horse."
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request ?"
The Lone Ranger now replies, "I speak to horse... alone."
The Chief is curious, but being a man of honour agrees, and Silver is once again brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:
"Listen very carefully or you're dog meat !
FOR... THE... LAST... FUKCING... TIME...
BRING GREAT POSSE !"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 28-10-2014
How do you circumsize a whale ?
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Send down four skin divers !!!!!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 29-10-2014
A bloke walks in to a bar, orders a drink, and then hears piano start playing. He's sitting there, thinking - 'Hey, this is good', so he turns around to see who's playing and is amazed to see a cat sitting on the stool playing.
He said to the barman - 'Is that cat really playing the piano'?
"Oh yes", said the barman, "he plays here every night. He writes his own music, too".
"Good god", said the punter. "Have you thought about having it orchestrated"?
Hearing that the cat screamed, shot out of the front door, and they haven't seen it since.
DD