Town v Spurs
Saturday29 September 2018
Kick-off 3:00 pm
(enjoy it while it lasts)
The McGalphsmiths Stadium
It's blue with big white steel arches
and Premiership Floodlights  
Just off Leeds Road
HD1 something or another.
Hell, find the gasworks and it's next door.
It's not hard to spot with all those big green trees on the hill behind it.
It's not like we camouflaged it or anything.



Intro
Hi there, nice to be with you, glad you could stick around
Like to introduce `Legs' Larry Smith, drums
And Sam Spoons, rhythm pole
And Vernon Dudley Bohay-Nowell, bass guitar
And Neil Innes, piano.
Come in Rodney Slater on the saxophone
With Roger Ruskin Spear on tenor sax.
Hi, Vivian Stanshall, trumpet.

Oy - that's ..... someone else's intro that  

Doo dah, doo dah!!! Bonzo Dog's a Doo Dah Band, Doo Dah Doo Dah, yeah  

Right here we are again, 364 days to the minute since we played them at home last season.

So?

So this was the match where it all changed.

What changed?

Wagbo's no limits, no fear way of playing, that's what.

Why, wtf happened?

Town attacked and pressed relentlessly for the first 23 minutes

We always did that, except when we played for a draw, or penalties like at Wendies and Wemberlee, so what?

Three deft passes out of defence and some clever off the ball running and

Yes?

We were 0-3 down in the 23 minute blinks of an eye and Spurs looked like they would score every time we gave them the ball, which we did more or less everytime we crossed the halfway line. Harry Kane in particular, he'd already scored twice and they fluffed some gobbers too. Wagbo was waving his troops back over the half-way line like a demented windmill owner, he threw some shovel's on the pitch and told the lads to dig some trenches.

You mean like that one that is full of honour, class and integrity? Did it work?

Yeh , well sort of, they didn't score again until the last couple of minutes, mind you they just passed the ball around in their half for most of the game while our lot looked on through their binoculars and passed the tea flasks round in between waving white hankies.

The outcome of all this?

Wagbo wouldn't let us across the halfway line with the ball again all season against any of the top sides, apart from 3 games. A rainy October Saturday against The Red Mancs where we somehow scored twice and the last 2 games away at Blue Mancs and Chelski - but their lot had both given up by then anyway.

Any good news?

Yeh, they took Kane off early as he'd already ripped us enough new arseholes to last a season, Dele Alli got booked for diving again and we had one shot on target.

How did that happen with all those trenches, snotrag waving and tea suppin' going on?

Tommy Smith after 5 minutes, fizzed one across the goal, just missed the far post, well before we started digging the trenches - I think he annoyed them and all hell was let loose shortly after that.

Oh, so what about this season then?

Well, Spurs are crap at home, they've only won 50% of their games so far. They've only played 2 mind.

Why's that then?

They knocked down their old ground.

Yeh I know, we played 'em at Wemberlee last season, pity it didn't go to penalties that one. And ?????

They haven't built their new one yet, well not all of it. There's a few wires for the fire alarms gone missing apparently and they ain't laid the new fancy dan pitch properly yet.



Well that looks like a whole new meaning to a space opening up on the wing.

Funny bugger. This one. This is how it will all work.



It was supposed to be ready this week.

Ooooooooooooh! look at that. The YouTube vids are working again  

Yeh, don't get too excited, I'm only allowed 5 and Chas & Dave are having at least one of those. I was in the hostility section at Leicester last week when the news broke that one of Spurs best known fans and a right proper geezer had gone to join the big rock band in the sky. The Chas half of Chas & Dave. RIP owd luv.

Well their Ain't No Pleasing you is there?

Enough of that, In Sickness and in Health and all that, Spurs are top of the away form table having only lost at Watford and drawing in the League Cup (Carabooboo or whatever) at Milton Keynes also against Watford, though technically that was a home game. They won on penalties.



Woah, woah, woah, how can playing at Milton Keynes be a home game?

Because that's where Dele Alli used to play, do keep up at the back.

Oh, er yeh, I kind of remember that, er, innit? Basically, I thought Spurs were on their way to Wemberlee again? I'm sure I saw Ossie saying he was dreaming about it on the tellybox, or failing that, down to Margate surely

Well Margate's ground is a tiddler for a start and you wouldn't want to play on the end of that pier. They are mostly at Wemberlee for home games again, but don't make a song and dance about it OK? Probably be there until Christmas.  

It'll be all over and done with by Christmas? Pah! My great, great grandad was told that about a hundred years ago. He was digging trenches all over Europe waaaaaaay before Wagbo had even worked out where the McGalphsmiths groundsman keeps his shovels. Anyroad, did they buy anyone new this summer?



Didn't spend a single penny me ol' china. Didn't sell anyone either come to that. Bit unusual that.

Bloody 'ell, you nearly slipped a Tom Jones song in there, did that Pocket-chino's fella lock all the bloody doors or something?

More likely it was the chairman - he threw a few new contracts around like confetti though instead of those £50million Snooker Loopy transfer fees.

Oh, so who's scoring goals this season then?

You'll be surprised to hear that even though Harry Kane is completly knackered and needs 6 months off to recouperate, according to those bright lads on Sky and the BBC, he still knows where the onion bag is.



compared to Town



Well, Harry was a Champion player and goal scorer last season. So what's their recent form like?

Sketchy, but mostly against teams called Watford, Liverpol or Inter Milan.



Oh, so a good time to play them then?

Well with One Fing 'n' Anuvver, you never know. Given the way Town play, it'll be like last season. What a Miserable Saturday Night that was.

So what are we like Head2Head (with the undead, you know, when Two Worlds Collide?)

Well Town have the upper hand long term, but in recent years with Hot Shot Tottenham an' all that, Town ain't won in donkey's me ol' china. Mind you, we've barely played them in donkey's years either.



Yeh, Yeh, Hartlepool and Darlington on wet Tuesday nights in November and all that, we know, we know. It was Long, Long ago.

Gertcha!

Oy, no need for that. So what is this new stadium gonna look like then?

Well this was it just before they knocked the old one down.


This is it as it is, more or less, now (give or take some crafty green felt pen work) - or it might be the Astroturf for the Yankee Football.


And according to some cheeky cockanees that maybe support other Larndan Tarn teams, this will be what it looks like when they eventually fit the retractable roof.


Oh, that's looks a bit like Donald Trump's head when that geezer in the Grauniad draws him. That Steve Bell fella. Bit naughty that. How much does it cost for a seat in the throne room then?

An arm, a leg and your first born mate from what the Burnalee fans put on their site.




Core blimey mate, strike a light, chim-chimanee and all that, that make's our £250 seats look a right bloody bargain. S'pose it's that Larndan waiting and all that that makes it expensive. I mean, waiting all day for a tube train to turn up and then you have to pay for 3 cabs and buses that come all at once cos they are on strike again darn the tube, no wonder, it ain't cheap living in that there Larndan Tarn tha' knows. So, who played in the last games then?

Well for Town


and Spurs


OK, looks like they'll give some of those superstars a rest on Saturday, and where exactly are we both in the League?

Well that depends, the BBC says it's like this,


while Transfermarkt says it's more like this.


So we're still above L666s then? Who else is playing this weekend?



Stop changing the subject, and Turn the Noise Down, these lads are banging them in and we'll have all on to keep them out. Any idea's?

Yeh. I'm gonna give my mate Elton a ring about borrowing their kit. Can we call oursleves Watford North this weekend?

I can get along without you you know?

Any road, credit where credit is due, we're losing old time football fans at a right rate of knots these days but these two could put a smile on any fan's face with their songs, piano and Strumming.






Outro
Wonderful to hear Brainiac on banjo
We welcome Val Doonican as himself (Hullo there!)
Very appealing, Max Jaffa... mmm, that's nice, Max
What a team, Zebra Kid and Horace Batchelor on percussion
And a great favourite, and a wonderful performer, of all of us here, J. Arthur Rank on gong.........

Enough of the Rabbit thank you - time gentlemen (and ladies) please.

Oy, oy- 'old on a mo'. Is this game on the tellybox then?

Pick your favourite dodgy stream from this lot.

https://www.livesoccertv.com/teams/england/huddersfield-town/

What 'bout them London Girls? Where can I meet 'em for a drink if they come looking to er, meet me like afore the match, innit for some more of that there Rabbit

I Wonder in Who's Arms you'll be before the match?    The Slubbers most likely.  
Have a look in here if your visiting us for the first time.

https://www.footballgroundguide.com/leagues/england/premier-league/john-smiths-stadium-huddersfield-town.html

Proper Ale and Proper Pies in some of the service outlets. We ain't no cheapskate club, unlike those classless pieless wonders of Blue Manchester.

Time pleeeeease. Gi' me yer glasses and get yer asses down to the match.


Enjoy the game - regardless of the result, there will be another one along soon.

Wagbo's Wise Words

Pocket-chino's Pre-match Ponder